Sharks Praised for Near-Perfect Traffic Safety Record
A viral Chinese joke noted that almost no sharks die in traffic accidents and concluded they must obey traffic laws, inspiring thousands of equally rigorous deductions.
Sharks have achieved one of the strongest traffic-safety records in the animal kingdom, according to a statistical analysis conducted by thousands of Chinese internet users with no visible concern for causation.
The finding began with a viral sentence: almost no sharks die in traffic accidents each year. The obvious conclusion, the post said, was that sharks obey traffic rules extremely well.
The claim received more than 21,000 likes. Commenters then expanded the methodology into education, public health, nuclear safety, football and academic integrity.
No shark had been reported for forgetting an exam admission ticket. Sharks were therefore disciplined students with excellent memories. No shark had been exposed for fabricating research data. Sharks were therefore ethical scholars. Very few dinosaurs die in nuclear explosions today. Dinosaurs were therefore radiation-resistant.
A new standard for evidence
The joke belongs to a Chinese internet tradition built around arguments that are grammatically sound, statistically decorated and completely detached from the relevant cause.
Absence of an event becomes proof of ability. Lack of participation becomes an undefeated record. Incompatible habitats become outstanding safety behavior.
One commenter noted that China had not lost a recent men’s World Cup final. Another observed that no opponent had scored against China in the tournament. The fact that the team had not reached those matches was treated as an irrelevant technicality.
Students recognised the method immediately. Many compared it with their geometry proofs, essays and research papers.
The comments became a laboratory
“Almost no dinosaurs die in nuclear explosions each year, proving dinosaurs have strong radiation resistance.”
A reply completed the experiment:
“I have also never died in a nuclear explosion, proving I am a dinosaur.”
Other users found equally strong evidence that fish consider air poisonous, Mongolia is a major naval power and Mars is perfectly habitable because nobody dies there.
The conclusions were wrong in exactly the right way. Each preserved the surface form of reasoning while removing the relationship between evidence and claim.
What Chinese commenters said
“There are no reports of sharks forgetting their exam admission tickets, proving sharks have excellent memories and stable personalities.”
“There have been no shark academic-misconduct scandals, proving sharks never fabricate research data.”
By the end of the thread, sharks had become healthy, honest, educated, psychologically stable and protected by labor law.
They had accomplished all of this mainly by remaining in the ocean.